The Bachelor Episode 1: Blab & Gab

First off, I have a new About Me Page - check it out and lemme know what you think!

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It's back, finally!  Time to watch some byotches and ho's cat fight over the Abtastic Sean Lowe!  The Bachelor is my absolute fave cuz I like to watch girls backstab each other, make fools of themselves, cry, show way too much cleavage, get drunk, cry more and desperately throw themselves at a guy. Let the drama begin!

The night starts out with Arie giving Sean kissing advice {weird}. "It's about kissing with your body" - wait, what?! Not sure if I understand this, so do I use my mouth or my body or do I kiss your body with my mouth!?

Now it's time to meet the ladies.  Seriously some of these girls are Cray Cray!

Introducing:
Crazy Bridal Wedding Byotch: gets wasted, tries to kiss Sean and she STILL gets to stay
One-Armed Blondie {I'm not hatin, just my description}
50 Shades of Crazy Cat Lady
Arkansas Politician
Ford Model Slutty McSlutterson
The Adopted Professional Organizer
#Backhandspring Fail Girl
Sloppy Seconds Kacie

Seriously girl, WTF were you thinking?  So luck you didn't get kicked off! Via

Nice try, clearly writing a song and singing it for Sean ISN'T going to work - BuhBye!  Via

Ugh - I've been sitting cross-legged too long, my knee feels like it's about to bust open!  Okay, I'm side-tracking...

Favorite Quote of the Night from Sean "I think she got 50 Shades of Drunk Tonight" - right after he says that her sparkly ass falls down the stairs to the floor - KERPLUNK!

Sean starts giving out roses left and right and all the girls start getting their panties in a wad!  The claws are already starting to come out!

A whole bunch of no one cares happens and it ends with a recap of what's to come this season!

The best part is 50 Shades of Crazy/Drunk Cat Lady exits in the end and does a little dancing with the scarf!  She hikes up her skirt, refers to her barbie ass and shows us some tattoo that's blurred out! She said it was a real BUMSKEE that Sean didn't pick her! {New fave word}This is going to be all over the interwebs, can't wait to see the gifs starting to fly around, it was HILARIOUS! Her closing statement is "Mom, don't me mad"....

Do you think she was already drunk? Via

Let's Get Real with Reality

News FLASH!

Line-up ladies, sounds like Roberto is the next Bachelor {Thank you Reality Steve}!  Remember him from Allie’s season?  She picked him, they broke up and now he gets to be the bachelor.  Isn’t it bad enough when you and your boyfriend break-up, you never want to see him again and then you have to watch him as the Bachelor on National TV, TORTURE!

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Anyways, I think that news is about 100% more exciting than the entire episode of the Bachelorette.   It was a snooze fest just like it was last week, the week before and the week before that.  Does anyone else agree that she’s the lamest and most awkward bachelorette ever? 

Yes, she’s pretty, she’s nice, she has a nice body YADDA YADDA YADDA, but that’s doesn’t mean that she can make interesting Reality TV.

Episode 5:

There’s a 1-on-1 Date with Sean and they go on a cheesy tour bus ride, Emily makes it a point to say they have the tour bus ALL TO THEMSELVES, just what every little boy dreamed of, a double-decker tour bus all to myself! They eat dinner at the Tower of London – he gets a rose. 

Group Date, the guys have to perform a scene from Romeo and Juliet – totally lame, no one cares, all the guys are terrible actors!  Can you believe Kalon actually shooed Emily away from his rehearsal, so funny!

The highlight of this episode was actually Douchey McDooferson Kalon telling all the guys that that Ricki is baggage.  Does anyone else think that the producers made him do this to spice up this episode?  There for a second I thought he was going to try and explain himself and lie, but he straight-up admitted to saying it.  Hey, at least he was honest!  The best part is when Emily tells Doug she wants to rip his limbs off and beat him with them, haha – good one!  Remember Emily has to protect her Family!
Finally, Emily decides to confront Kalon and tells him to “Get the F*** out!”  That's right Emily, you protect your family by using fowl language, get 'em girl!

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The next day Emily is all down in the dumps about Kalon and goes out on a date with Jef (yes, that’s Jef with One F).  Jef waits all night to kiss her, I was yelling at the TV "KISS HER ALREADY", scheesch what was he waiting for, she basically had KISS ME written all over her huge horse mouth teeth!

Rose Ceremony – Alejandro eliminated

What lameness do you think is going to happen in Croatia next week?  The Producers have to do something to get this show going.  Maybe they will play out the “OH NO, such and such has a girlfriend back home…” I dunno, guess we will have to wait and see!  Comment and let me know what you thought about this episode, what was your favorite part?